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What Destroys Your Children's Security and Tranquility

"Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
The Holy Bible (Eph. 5:33)

Many parents suppose loving children gives them great security. Is this completely true? Does loving them what all that matters to children? Or are they expecting something more from their parents? I’m not exaggerating—we may heartily love our children and give them all the best, yet they may remain as insecure as ever. Surprised? How could this be possible?

Not long ago I was engaged in counseling a young girl who messed up her life by getting into things she shouldn’t. She had parents who loved her so much and gave everything they could for her. I was asked by her friend, “How come this girl felt lonely, insecure, in spite of having such caring parents?” I replied, “No matter how much parents love their children, if they do not love each other, they leave their children in absolute loneliness and insecurity.”

Parents—Love One Another
Many parents are not aware that the ongoing conflicts between them (husband and wife) would actually destroy their children's security and tranquility. I can never forget the scary face of my son, Joy, when my wife and I used to often quarrel. It’s obvious on children’s face—that sense of abandonment, insecurity, confusion and loneliness—when their parents fight before them. Home is a place where children feel most secure, and if that home were in a mess, where else would they go? It would be surprising to know how many children dislike going home just because of the absence of peace therein.

Some frustrated parents say to each other, “I am done with you. I have no love for you. If I am going to live with you under this shelter it is only for the welfare of my children.” As sacrificial as their love seems toward their children, pediatrician and author Wilson Wayne Grant made a striking statement, “The most important possession any child can have is two happy, well-adjusted parents who deeply love each other.”

Ah, it is not uncommon for a husband and wife to experience the decline of love and affection in their marital life. When love is dying in marriage, it is good for parents to rekindle their affection for one another by working towards identifying and destroying those marriage killers rather than live as either strangers or enemies under one shelter, thereby disrupting their children's security and safety. Loving one another is not only essential for the security and joy of husbands and wives but also for the emotional wellness and mental happiness of children.

Kindly understand—children hate to see their parents living in conflicts. If you want confirmation, ask your children. When I asked my child’s opinion about his parents getting into conflicts, he promptly respondedwith an expression of disgust on his facethat he detests seeing his parents quarrel with each other. I find my children elated with joy when my wife and I enjoy one another. I have learned, the secret of children’s happiness is in a loving, happy relationship between their father and mother. This may be surprising to many: research shows that it is not divorce per se that harms children, but the continuing conflict between parents. Children are going to suffer as long as their parents don’t live at peace each other, whether it leads to divorce or not.

Children’s Craving for a Happy Home
Do you know what our children crave for at home? It is a loving and peaceful atmosphere. Are we parents making every effort to create such an aura of peace and tranquility at home wherein our children feel most secure? Is our home a haven for our children? Let me tell you a fact—Children would rather love to stay in a shanty filled with bliss than in a mansion full of conflicts.

Can our children testify, “There is no place on earth—wherein I feel secure, accepted and loved—like my home?” I come across numerous young people who share how their parents constantly fight and shout at each other, causing great trouble and distraction in their (children's) lives. The mental agony they undergo because of conflicts between their mother and father is insurmountable. Sometime back a case study was done among young students to determine what caused them the highest degree of sadness, anxiety and depression. Here are the causes—having parents separate or divorce, having parents argue with one another, and having parents who didn’t spend enough time with them.

Dear parents, are you aware the kind of influence you are going to have on your children the way you get along with each other?

I once asked a young man, “What is it that you most hate in your parents?” These are his heart-rending words: “Fight and heated argument between mom and dad. This has affected both of us (brothers) a lot. It ruins the peace. It destroys our day. It is embarrassing because neighbors get to know. Lots of sad consequences we children have to face as a result of parents quarreling with each other.”

Can parents hear the cry of such children?



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  1. I can confirm this whole-heartedly. I had what every one wishes they could have growing up. Two parents married who both love me. Not just food, but healthy food all the time, good neighborhood, clean water, decent house, toys, video games. Perfect life, right? My parents fought and fought often. My memories aren’t positive, the weigh heavily. My parents both loved me very much, but had a hard time loving each other. I would sneak out of bed at night and sit at the top of the stairs to watch them fight, curious at what was the problems. Then my parents told me they were separating. I began to sleep walk every night for 3 months until they got back together. That sleep walking thing was very creepy. Fear and confusion would sit on my chest after I went to sleep, I still remember the weird heavy feeling like a truck parked on my shoulders. It took until I was 25 to even have a good relationship with my parents… and it is about when they stopped fighting. Now I am ultra-sensitive to unhealthy arguments in their relationship or mine with my wife. I do not have children yet, but my wife and I get along fairly well and when we do disagree, it is not loud, violent, long-lasting, or aggressive. I hope we can teach our children someday on a healthy way to disagree with their future spouses or even each other as they grow up.


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